Blame It On The al-al-al-al-al-Alchohol
“Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!” Hillary should bring her campaign to a frat party, so she can finally get some respect from a younger demographic. I mean, it’s pretty well-known that this woman can out-drink most of her male counterparts and still walk in a straight lie…er, I mean, LINE. In fact, Terry McAuliffe, Governor of Virginia and Clinton supporter, said, “She loves to sit, throw ’em back; she’s a girl from Illinois who likes to throw ’em down with the rest of us.”
She talks to the Dead
Former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt and Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi, both long-dead, are just two of the people Hillary chatted with in the White House through medium and co-director of the Foundation for Mind Research Jean Houston. Hillary even had Houston living with at the White House with them for awhile, as a spiritual adviser. When Houston asked if Hillary would ever want to address Jesus, however, Hillary said that would be “too personal.” Bill Clinton even acknowledged these conversations in a 2012 speech:
A special thanks to the members of the Roosevelt family who are here. And the one who is not, Eleanor, who made sure that the four freedoms were included in the preamble to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in 1948. I know that because, as all of you famously learned when I served as president, my wife, now the secretary of state, was known to commune with Eleanor on a regular basis. And so she called me last night on her way home from Peru to remind me to say that. That Eleanor had talked to her and reminded her that I should say that.
While in college, it is rumored that Hillary Clinton was very, very fascinated with lesbianism. And while no woman has come forward yet with any allegations, there are some who speculate that more went on in that dorm room than just late-night studying.
She’s a Tease
Hillary is known to be especially cordial to the opposite sex, even playful and flirtatious at times. A source that worked with her in the past described it as “that obnoxious laugh girls give when they are trying to be cute” and “subtle touches on the arm, shoulder…you know, while looking deep into their eyes like they were the only two people in the room.” Of course, no one has ever accused her of having an affair. The only one getting into her pantsuit is her husband.
She Lies About Her Age
To be fair, many women (and men!) lie about their age, but they usually do it in bars or on a dating website. Not on national television where it can be fact-checked in a fraction of a second. “I’m a child of the ’60s, which is before any of you were born,” she explained in 2011. Uh, no, girlfriend, you’re not. Hillary was born in 1947, which actually makes her a child of the ’50s.
She Has Not Driven A Car Since 1996
Former presidents and first ladies have secret service protection for life, which means they can’t drive themselves on public roadways. Hillary says she misses driving and, “I remember it very well. Unfortunately, so does the Secret Service, which is why I haven’t driven since then.”
She Flunked the Bar Exam
Hillary flunked the DC bar exam. Straight-up-flunked. She did, however, pass the prestigious Arkansas bar, and yes, I am being facetious when I used the word prestigious. She did not receive one job offer in ‘ol Arkansas, though, which is REALLY sad when you think about it. When she started dating Bill, things started to look up for her. Over the next ten years or so, either Bill hired her or influenced others into hiring her for several high-ranking positions.
She Uses the FBI
After pushing through Craig Livingstone as the FBI’s Director of Office Personnel Security because she was close friends with his mother, Hillary pulled the “favor” card. You know, I scratch your back, you scratch mine… in the form of more than 700 comprehensive FBI background reports being run on just about anyone she could think of. Rivals, friends, neighbors, no one was safe. Talk about invasion of privacy!
She Won A Grammy!
“And the Grammy goes to…” Hillary Clinton for the 1997 Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album. I personally can’t think of anything better than listening to Hillary read her book It Takes a Village. Really. I can’t.
She’s a Switch-Hitter