Now more than a year has passed. You’ve severed all connections and communication with your ex, and you’ve attained a reasonable level of mental stability. And one day, a notification appears on your phone. When you realize it’s your ex, your stomach starts to drop. It might be something that seems innocent enough, like asking you for the name of that one restaurant you went to with them, or it could be something more formal, like asking for another topic to end the meeting so they can finally shut the door. As your thoughts race over what to do next, a chilling sense of worry washes over you. Although you don’t want to answer, you still feel responsible for their feelings. Moreover, it’s possible that they have changed and that the topic of the conversation has changed. Does this sound familiar? If you find yourself in another vicious loop with your ex after they’ve contacted out, you’ve been hoovered.
What is hoovering?Hoovering is a type of narcissistic abuse in which your ex uses deceit and manipulation to get you to get back together. Regardless of whether they conducted the dumping or the narcissist ended their relationship, everybody who has a narcissistic ex is susceptible to this. This is an effort to determine if a victim of abuse in the past may be persuaded into another cycle of abuse so that the abuser (narcist) can recapture the feeling of power and control by bringing discomfort (emotional and occasionally bodily) to a target. The term “Hoover maneuver” was named after a popular vacuum cleaner and refers to abusers’ attempts to “suck up” other people’s happiness in order to fuel their narcissistic desires.
What Drives Narcissists to Hoover?The foundation of a relationship with a narcissist is emotional dependency since they depend on you to continually feed their ego. The narcissist will disregard you and leave you without any regret or sympathy once they decide they no longer need you as a source of narcissistic feeding. The same will occur if you choose to stand up for yourself and demand empathy, honesty, and reciprocity. But narcissists frequently return for more. So long as they require you as a supply, your narcissistic ex will probably want to get back together with you and resume their abusive pattern.
Signs to NoticeLove Bombing: A narcissist will use all means necessary to get you back into a romantic partnership. They’ll bombard you with displays of awe, desire, and affection. Keeping up the façade that your relationship still exists: They will disregard your wishes to stop communicating with you, keep sending you the same messages, visit your home or place of employment, etc. They will keep bugging you as if nothing has changed. After ghosting you, they contact you unexpectedly: You receive a random message after not hearing from them for several weeks. It’s not genuine caring if they aren’t interested in taking responsibility for their prior behavior. At most, it’s sloppy communication that serves solely to get your attention rather than provide an apology. Threatening self-harm: They request your undivided attention. Then, in an effort to get you to respond to them, they can threaten to harm themselves. They could make a dramatic suggestion if you don’t return their calls and texts. Call the police or other emergency authorities if you believe they are in danger or endangering the lives of anyone nearby. Attempting to contact you via friends or relatives: Having close friends or relatives contact you on their behalf. This is a terrific method to confuse the situation and portray yourself to the people who matter to you the most as “the bad guy.” “Apologizing” for their actions: The narcissist will pretend to “own up” to their errors and will pose as humble and remorseful in an effort to connect with you. They will use highly persuasive language or messaging, so exercise caution. Drama to entice you: In the event that all previous hoovering methods fall short, the narcissist may attempt to lure you with drama. They will attempt to elicit responses from you by sending you dramatic messages, causing chaos in your social life by spreading stories, using your kids as an alibi for their wrath and hissy fits, and staging situations. They ask for assistance or pretend to be in a crisis: Any hoover understands how difficult it is to resist when someone reaches out to you at a time of need. However, there is no reason to worry because neither the hooverer nor his aunt has any moles on their bodies. They will simply use every tactic available. Accusing Others: Your narcissistic partner may also accuse you in order to make you feel bad and defend yourself. They may claim you are seeing someone else if you refuse to visit them after a breakup, for instance. With this hoovering tactic, they feel in charge and powerful.
Some of the most effective techniques to stop the cycle of narcissistic abuse are as follows: 1. Change your social media, email, and phone numbers, or block theirs. 2. Pay close attention to the indications that you are being sucked in, and get thoroughly familiar with the techniques used to manipulate you so that you can see them when they occur. 3. Do not contact the narcissist if you are worried about their safety or mental health. Instead, call the police or emergency services. 4. Always keep in mind how manipulative and persuasive narcissists are. Though it could be alluring to fall for their lofty declarations of love, sorrow, and acclaim, bear in mind that these are only manipulative techniques. 5. Make it a point to never speak with, recognize, or otherwise interact with the narcissist. 6. Learn to appreciate and look for oneself (read this article on how to love yourself more for tips) 7. Practice mindfulness to become more conscious of your emotional triggers. 8. Look for help. You may learn about narcissistic manipulation and how to create appropriate boundaries with the help of a therapist or counselor. Coaching may also help you reject a narcissist hoover and prevent returning to an unpleasant and unhealthy relationship.